Schukov Lateral thinking disorder hampers my reading

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    My condition is hampering my interpretation of West Island headlines.

    I have recently been self-diagnosed as suffering from LTD: Lateral Thinking Disorder. I define this condition as: A chronic habit of misinterpreting information from seemingly unrelated angles.

    According to Canadian Institute of Psychoanalysis comprehensive clinical studies that prove unequivocally that I am making all this up, there are two forms of brain logic:

    Left brain, “vertical” logic: The classical approach of interpretation using step-by-step procedures from clear data.

    Right brain, “horizontal” logic: Lady Gaga.

    As I get older – I am only 37 years away from being 100 – I find myself constantly looking at things from seemingly derailed frames of reference. I first noticed my LTD symptom a few months ago, while staring blankly at a STOP sign: I sat in my car asking myself, “Stop what?”

    That was shortly followed by an across-the-board inability to throw out any packaged food product that is labeled “best before (date)” because I wonder if that simply means it “is not as good but still okay after (date).” (Why can’t it just say, Throw it out?)

    The most severe manifestation of my imaginary ailment is an increasing difficulty with properly interpreting West Island headlines. For example:

    “How transparent should the electric train project be?” Well, not so much that you can’t actually see the trains coming and going. And you should not be able to see through the stations either.

    “West Island Leaf collection starts today” Why would anyone collect leaves? It’s a boring hobby, especially this time of the year when they are so brittle. It would make more sense to collect them straight off the trees while they are fresh. Plus, the West Island doesn’t have that much variety out there. Anyway, even stamp collecting is more interesting.

    My LTD has become particularly chronic with respect to anything written on West Island dog parks:

    “Ste-Anne dog run delayed” Why would anyone bother to slow down a dog?

    “Baie-d’Urfé will not make any of its parks dog-free zones” Although it’s a nice thought, you can get free dogs at any shelter.

    “Beaconsfield to get new dog park” What about old dogs, are they to be discriminated against? What is the age limit and how will this be enforced?

    “Beaconsfield opens large dog park” And small dogs are what, chopped liver?

    Generally speaking, why do we need dog parks? I can see it with cars, but why would you park a dog and then leave it unattended? And forget about cat parks, much less trying to herd them.

    My friends tell me that I am simply torturing them with unnecessary puns. Then they roll their eyes and say that which my wife and readers have been saying for years: “You are not funny.” Although, my better half has a more qualified explanation for my LTD: “You never listen.” Although I disagree with her because I am not listening when she says it, I have noticed an increase in marital “episodes” such as:  

    She: “Did you remember to take the cat out?”

    Me: “I didn’t even know that I was fighting with it.”

    She: “You’re not funny.”